So I was invited to this online bible study entitled "I Do Hard Things" from Havilah Cunningham. It's a 20 day bible study, just a few minutes each day. I however, didn't start until this morning. They are on day 17 of 20. After starting, I couldn't stop. I now find myself on Day 14, and I had to step away in order to shower! LOL.
Wow. This is the word that is in my mind. After Day 1, I was hooked. It talks about the 4 pits of pain. These are negative places or spaces in our lives. She identifies them as 1. Childhood Pain. This one struck a cord with me as this is the entire basis of my pain at 33 years old. These are pains brought to us only by the fact that we were born into hurtful environments. We had parents who had us, but didn't offer us love, support, protection, guidance. This is something I've never gotten over. I have children now, 3 beautiful boys and I give them everything I never had. But I am still a little girl who feels unwanted and abandoned. Even though I have a wonderful, loving husband who is not only my best friend, but my world. Even though I have these 3 wonderful little beings that God has blessed me with. It still is the bane of my existence. 2. Physical Pains. Yes! I have this as well! I wasn't born with physical ailments. I instead was injured and with that, became physically disabled. It affects me daily. Some days are so unbearable, I make excuses not to get up and do this or that. 3. Personality. OMG, it's like this day 1 was made directly for me. Because of my upbringing, I have developed a defensive way of approaching life. I hold others at bay including, not internationally, my husband and kids. And lastly, 4. Cycles. I may not be a statistic of where I came from, or fell into bouts of addictions to substances. But I did fall into cycles of self harm and mutilation. I went from school to life within a month of graduation. It wasn't a gradual thing, but SMAK...you are tossed into real life. I'm going to compare this as a person who doesn't know how to swim. When you toss them into the middle of lake without a life raft, life jacket or a way to stay afloat, they will sink. They may not drown, but they will bring everything around them down in order to stay afloat. This was me. I had no life skills and I was expected to be an adult. This was not a good situation and my fears got the best of me at a young age. Thus severing my ties with God. This in itself is an entirely different storey and one day one I hope to share with everyone in the hopes that I can help others who struggle with the same things I have.
Ok, so there it is, the 4 Pits of Pain. All 4 of them are checked off on my check list. This lead into Day 2. Victim vs. Survivor. This day for me was an eye opener. I had always thought of myself as a survivor. Others saw me in the same light. And I would become embarrassed when they expressed how much strength I had in me to overcome all that I had been through. I didn't understand not feeling worthy. Until today. Until going through Havilah's Day 2. You see, there are 2 mentalities. Victim or Survivor. A Victim always has this feeling of being Alone, that no one can possibly understand their situation or what they are going through. That God specifically targeted them to suffer. They Envy everyone else around them that lives a normal life and are constantly comparing apples to oranges. Victims are bound by Fear. Powerful stuff. A Survivor asks themselves this, "Do you want to break free?" And if the answer is Yes, they work on breaking free. I have been living in a Victim Mentality my entire life. I am not a survivor, I am a victim. And this is why I always bulk at anyone who has ever called me a survivor. A survivor is strong, and I've been week. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to admit of myself. And from here, I know where to go and is my Step 1 in the heeling process!
I know where I need to start and I am looking forward to breaking free. Freedom will lead me closer to God. Freedom will break my chains from being a Victim. Being free will leave me open to accepting God's love and walking the path he has chosen for me.
Sorry for the heavy, but it is my way of starting the heeling process!